Breaking your walls
by 69shadesofdestiel
Summary: High school, AU. Castiel Novak has 2 secrets. 1. He is in love with Dean Winchester. 2. He self-harms. Castiel is the loser in his school. The outsider, the one that just don't fit in. He is having a shitty time at school and a shitty time at home. Until one day Castiel agrees to tutor Dean.
1. Chapter 1

The first time he saw him was in the hallway. He looked so tiny and fragile. He wore a long and neat trench coat that was way to long for him. He had ruffled almost black hair. It looked like he had just woken up from bed. Like he didn't even bother to brush it. He had his head down and he walked fast. It was probably because of the bullies at the end of the corridor that was shouting rude things at him. He rememberd the first time he saw his eyes. His beautiful piercing blue eyes. It felt like he was drowning in them. Like they were endless like the sea. They made eye contact for only a second. But that second was all he needed to fall in love with the boy with the piercing blue eyes.  
After that day he was always looking after Castiel Novak. The boy with the bluest eyes he had ever seen. It's not that he's not popular enough to talk to him. He mean come on he's on the basketball team god dammit. It just the way he looks at him sometimes. The way he takes his breath away. He would really like to talk to him some day.

* * *

That day happened eventually. It was just a normal day. The sun was shining and everybody was cheerful because it was finally some decent weather. He heard people talking behind him in chemistry class that they were going to the beach in the weekend. He saw Castiel or Cas as he likes to call him in his head enter the classroom. He took his place at the back of the classroom. He has been so lucky to get to sit in a good spot so he can stare at him. And sometimes he caught him staring back. He thought that Cas is so cute when he blushes. He has never heard him talk or laugh. It makes him sad sometimes. He always looks so sad. Mrs. Norrington walked into the classroom and the class fell silent immediately. Chemistry has always been his weakest subject. It's not like he's bad at it or something. It's just boring as hell. Mrs. Norrington began talk about, he can't even care to remember. He looked at the clock. It went so slow. Time passed slowly. But finally the ball rang. He quickly gathered his things. When he was almost out of the classroom he heard Mrs. Norrington annoying voice. She called his name.

''Dean, may I talk to you for a moment?'' He felt panic fill him. What the hell had he done? He thought through every lesson he had in chemistry. He couldn't think of what he had done wrong. He went back into the classroom. Mrs. Norrington was standing with her arms crossed. And then he saw him. Castiel was looking at him. But when he met his eyes he looked down again. Shit he started to panic, he didn't want to sound or say something stupid. He looked at Cas. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt. Which Dean thought was strange because it was hot outside. His hair looks ruffled as usual and he had a nervous impression on his face. He could barely think, Cas was standing in front of him looking so perfect.

''Dean, you haven't paid attention to my classes lately. And i'm afraid if you don't start studying more.'' He interrupted her.  
''Yes I understand." He sighed. He did understand though. Sammy always told him to start taking school seriously. But school was boring and he'd party or hang out with his friends. He still didn't understand what Cas had to do with this. He watched Cas and he finally understood. Cas was going to tutor him! He felt happiness inside him glowing.

''You're lucky Dean! I have been talking to Castiel and he has agreed to tutor you!''  
He started to feel the tension in the classroom but he really couldn't bother to care, because he was so happy and it felt like his heart was going to explode.  
''Oh, well that's great!'' He said trying to sound not pleased with this situation. He was forced to bite his tongue to stop himself to let out a happy scream.

''I will let you and your new friend talk for a while.'' She said and walked calmly out of the classroom. He felt the tension again. Can someone please say something soon? It was just him and Castiel in the classroom now. Completely alone. Focus Dean! He mumbled for himself. No inappropriate thoughts. Suddenly out from nowhere he heard Castiel speak.

''Hello. My name is Castiel.'' He said and held out his hand. His voice was not as he thought. It was dark and rough.  
''Dean.'' He said casually. He thought for himself that he sounded like an idiot! He hoped that his hand was not too sweaty.  
''I suggest that I will help you study on Tuesdays and Fridays. If it works?'' Castiel asked. He picked at his nails while he said it. He knew it was a habit for him. He saw him do it when he was nervous.

''Yeah sure Cas! It's perfect.'' He said, and he almost sounded like he had won the lottery. Dude you're not a girl! Focus Dean, focus. Wait did he just call him Cas? Oh how embarrassing..

''Wait, what did you just call me?'' Castiel asked him and he almost saw a tiny smile in the corner of his lips. He saw Cas sad eyes sparkle a little. It made him happy , he loved when Cas looked happy. He just called him Cas. So typically he would always embarrass himself.

''It's just a stupid nickname. I can't pronounce your name, and I feel stupid. Do you mind?'' He asked. He hoped that his voice not sounded too shaky. He was trying to act calm, but honestly he was freaking out.

''Not at all Dean, but I really need to go now, I will see you next tuesday.'' He said. He went out of the classroom. He stood there completely speechless. He tried to tried to put together what had just happened. He had a good feeling about this.


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel was finally home. He was resting his head against the door. He was tired. Castiel tried to not think about Dean and he was failing miserably. He had missed the bus again just because that stupid kid Dean talked to him after school, he had to run home because he knows how angry his father gets when he comes home late. Dean is stupid with his beautiful green eyes and his spiky golden hair and not to talk about his freckles. He is too perfect and he can never have him. It's not like Dean wants him anyways. Castiel took off his jacket and he started to go to his room. His footsteps on the stairs creaked. He saw the familiar walls that were old and worn. His father had not bothered to take care of the house since his mother died. He missed her. The house was full of memories of her. Castiel looked around him. It was full of beer cans on the floor. The walls were full of stains. Window boards and cabinets were dusty. He opened the door to his room. Finally some rest. Here he could do whatever he wants. Without being teased or ridiculed. He threw his bag on the floor just like his father does with him. He still has some pretty bad bruises from last night. Castiel took his hand and lightly stroked the bruise on his shoulder. He looked himself in the mirror. Disgusting. It felt like the insults were burned into his forehead. That he could never escape from them. He pulled up his sleeve and examined the deep wounds that were carved into his wrist. He promised himself to stop cutting. But it's hard. One cut turns to seven. Castiel always told himself that he could stop whenever he wanted. Castiel can't stop, he's not able to stop hurting his body. But he is used to it now, he is used to cutting himself. After a while you simply stop caring. Castiel feels like a freak, he is a freak. There's something wrong with him. Everywhere he looks there are happy people. And he sits alone in class and he thinks for himself what the fuck is wrong with him? Why can't he be more like them? Why can't he be the happy one for once. The sad thing is he knows it's killing him, but he doesn't care anymore. Nobody cares. Not even Dean. Castiel sighed deeply, and threw himself on the bed. He looked at the cracks in the ceiling. He just wanted to disappear.

* * *

The weekend went in a blur, and before he knew it he was in school again. It's not that he dislikes school. The teachers are kind and he is good in most subjects. The only problem is the bullies. The nasty insults can never be washed off. He gets shoved into lockers. And if he doesn't get home fast enough, he gets beat up by the same 3 guys until he can barely move. Castiel lied on the toilet floor, bloody and bruised. He focused on his breath. Every breath felt like being stabbed. This happens every day. He stood up slowly. His whole body ached. He looked at the sticky and dirty mirror. His face had no bruises. He breathed in relief. He lifted his shirt. 3 large bruises. He sighed. Castiel was having a shitty time at school and a shitty time at home. The only good thing about school was Dean. But he refused to acknowledge. He is not in love with Dean. Castiel Novak is not in love. He can't allow himself love.

* * *

''Castiel, can you answer this question?'' The teacher asked. Fuck he needs to stop daydreaming.  
''Uhm, I don't know.'' He stammered. He looked down at his desk and he felt the blush on his cheeks. He heard his classmates laugh in the background. Castiel hates them.

''Next time Castiel, can you please try to pay attention?'' His teacher sighed and turned around and continued to write on the blackboard.  
1 hour later and he was in the library, as usual. It's the only quiet place in the entire school. He leaned over his book. He tried to read, but it was hopeless. Dean crossed his mind. Castiel heard his name in the background, he must be daydreaming again.

''Cas!'' the voice was sounding higher. He recognized the voice. It couldn't be? He turned his head and saw Dean. Dean waved, he had a happy expression on his face. It can't be because of him. Castiel was just about to wave back, but he stopped himself. Castiel gave him a small nod instead. Castiel looked quickly down at the book. He heard Dean come to his table. Act cool, don't be geeky. Don't be a geek he repeated after himself.

''Hi Cas.'' He heard Dean say. Maybe if he didn't respond Dean would get tired of him. Dean sat down on the chair next to him. Castiel sat so close to him, he could smell his perfume.

''What are you reading?'' Dean asked. Castiel continued to pretend to read. Castiel began to get nervous, Dean freaking Winchester was sitting next to him!

''Shakespeare.'' He said. Castiel tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, but his voice was shaky.  
''What?'' Dean asked confused.  
''I'm reading Shakespeare.'' He said and lifted the book to show. The book was worn and had dozens of coffee stains on it. Castiel looked up and met Deans eyes. Dean blushed and began to fiddle with his leather jacket.  
''So..'' Dean said.

''I never see you around lunch break. Are you always here?'' Dean asked. Castiel began fiddling with the pages of his book. Castiel had no idea why Dean was spending his lunch break with him. Dean realized that Castiel didn't want to talk, that he would rather listen. Dean started talking about everything. His brother, his car, how boring he thought school was. Dean never stopped talking. Castiel laughed so hard and so much that he got tears in his eyes. When the school bell rang, it felt like Dean was trying to make him stay longer. When they finally parted, they decided that they would study at Dean's house. At the end of the day Castiel couldn't stop smiling.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean was leaning against his car. He felt the joy bubbling inside of him. They had been spending time together for months now, but it felt like a lifetime. Their friendship just grew and grew. They did everything together. Cas had first been really stubborn and cold. At first it felt like he was rejecting him. But after a while Cas started to talk with him more. They've studied millions of times together, but he is always nervous every single time. He hates to study, but the thought of Cas sitting next to him for several hours makes his heart pound.

He looked after Cas among the crowd. He felt idle. He was so nervous and he tried to think of something else, but his heart was racing. The only thing his brain could think of was Cas. He let his eyes sweep the crowd and then he saw him. Cas was clutching his book, like it depended on life or death. He had his head down as he walked. He was wearing his thick trench coat. In some strange way it suited him.

''Cas!'' He shouted. He waved with his both hands. Cas spotted him and cracked a nervous smile. Cas ran up to him.

''Hello Dean.'' Cas said. His voice sounded even darker than before. His voice did things to him. Dean inspected him. Cas had dark circles under his eyes. It looked like he was about to fall asleep any minute. He still looked gorgeous though. He could wear a potato sack and Dean would still be attracted to him. He wanted to kiss him, he wanted to show the world how much he loves him. But he reminded himself. He couldn't fuck this up.  
When did his life turn into such a chick flick?

''Hi Cas, are you ready to go?'' He said. He tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach.

''Yes, let's go.'' Cas said quickly.

Dean opened the door to his car. Cas did the same. Dean turned on the radio. Led Zeppelin's "Ramble On" blasted through the radio. Cas had never heard it before.

''I have never heard this song before.'' Cas admitted.

Dean was chocked. Had Cas been living under a rock his entire life?

''Are you joking with me Cas? This is like the best song ever!'' Dean said at the same time as he turned up the volume.

Cas told Dean that he mostly played classical music. He told Dean that he grew up from a very christian family and that a certain kind of music was not approved by his father.  
How was this boy even alive? Music is the best thing ever. Music always made him happy on his bad days,

''Oh that sucks man, but Mozart is pretty cool.'' Dean said and looked at Cas.

Cas face lit up like a lighting ball. They chatted for a while until they arrived at his house. Dean and Cas stepped out of the car. His house was simple, nothing special really. He and his family live in a nice neighborhood. They had big garden, when he and sammy were kids they always played soccer on it, so he really couldn't complain. He liked his house, even if it wasn't the biggest or the fanciest.

''Welcome to my crib.'' He said.

''I don't understand that reference.'' Cas said while he leaned his head to the side confused. Jesus christ. Is Cas even born in this century? He needed to show Cas alot of movies and tv shows.

* * *

His family really liked Cas. His mother was treating him like part of the family since the first time she laid eyes on him. Every time Cas was at his place, his mother would start to talk with him about everything. Cas didn't care though. He seemed to appreciate it. Dean had rolled his eyes and and told his mother to go and get her own friends. Sammy totally admired Cas. He had followed them upstairs and asked Cas questions. Sammy admired how smart Cas was, he wanted to be exactly like him.  
His dad thought that for once he had acquired a good friend. His dad and Cas always talked about politics over the dinner table, when Cas had stayed over for dinner. It felt good that his family likes Cas as much as he likes him. His family just loved Cas. It's impossible to not love him.

It often made him upset, he didn't know Cas family at all. Cas had not talked so much about his family.  
When he asked Cas about his family he just shook his head and said it was complicated. Cas told him that he has literally 10 half brothers. But only 2 that are blood related, Gabriel and Anna. His half-brothers and sisters live with his father and him a few weeks every month, Cas told Dean.

He knew that Cas had a younger sister named Anna before he had even asked about his siblings. Anna is in the same class as Sam. Cas describes her as obedient and kind and that she is the boss in his house, Gabriel can even be terrified of her. He does everything she says. Cas thinks it's good, Gabriel may be the oldest in the family, but he is the most immature. Dean sees Anna sometimes and there is something about her that just, shows kindness.

Anna is a freshman. Like Sam. Sam had jumped for joy when school began. Sam wanted to be a lawyer and he always told Dean about his future plans. Dean just laughed and told Sam that he was a dork. But deep inside, he was proud.  
Cas had told him during a lunch break that his older brother Gabriel went to collage. Cas said it was nice that Gabriel was gone for a while, because he was such a trouble maker. When he asked more about his mother, had Cas facial expressions dropped. Dean dropped it, Sensitive topic apparently.

* * *

It was Wednesday and Cas has been ignoring him for a couple of days. Dean has no clue why he was acting so strange.

Dean found Cas during the lunch break in the library. He sat at the table by the large window at the back of the room. Cas sat slumped and read his book. He had a nervous frown on his forehead, Dean wondered why, that's why he was here. Dean wanted to ask Cas if something was wrong. They always spent their lunch breaks together. But today had Cas walked away without saying where he was going. It was not like him. He had been silent all day, he knew that Cas was shy. But this was not like him. Dean was worried. He was convinced that he had done or said something wrong.  
He walked up to Cas. He had an uneasy feeling to his stomach.

''Hi Cas, you could have said where you went. I was worried.'' Cas looked up from his book. Dean sat down on the chair in front of Cas.

''I'm sorry Dean, I just have a lot to think about, I needed to go somewhere that was quiet.'' Cas replied. Cas didn't lift his head from the book. It must be an interesting book. Because Cas chooses the book over him.

The conversation died. It was silent, he could only hear Cas breathing. Dean studied him.  
He looked sad, his eyes, that sometimes was shining because of him, was lifeless. He knew something was wrong. Dean gathered self confidence and reached out for his hand.

''Cas. Has something happen-'' Dean tried to ask, but Cas interrupted him.

''I said I'm fine Dean, just please leave me alone!'' Cas said coldly. Dean felt a lump in his throat. Cas had never talked to him in that way before.

''No Cas, I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong!'' He said stubborlny. Cas glared at him.

''Fine!'' He spitted. Cas took his book and ran out the library and slammed the door. He didn't know what he had done wrong. He thought of Cas harsh words. Dean sat there with an empty feeling in his stomach.  
''Son of a bitch.'' He mumbled. Cas made him feel a lot of feelings, but this feeling he didn't enjoy.


End file.
